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(no subject) [Mar. 21st, 2005|02:42 pm]
All in all today has been pretty productive. I planted some tomatoe plants (Chelsea wanted to do that) and some flowers. They look prettiful. The weather is fantastic today so we have spent most of the day outside doing one thing or another. I still have not heard from Robert. I am really trying to be strong and not call him. Even if I did I wouldnt ask him to come back ... I just have this overwhelming desire to make sure that he is okay. But if I call him that will show weakness. I can't do that. I do wonder how he is though. I don't know why I feel so responsible for him. It really pisses me off.
My neice spent the night with us last night. I try to spend time with her because I think she needs us. Even though I know this it is still difficult because ( i hate to sound mean because I love her) she is strange. I always thought (hoped) that she would grow out of it but she is 16 now (17 in a few days) so I guess thats out of the question.
Anyway... gonna go watch a movie with Chelsea.
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Oh the drama... [Mar. 20th, 2005|01:15 pm]
Well I'm single again it would appear. Robert called me yesterday evening saying that he was going to stop by my cousins pub for a few minutes yesterday. Fine. Then he called again at 5 saying he would be home in a few minutes. Fine. 2 and a half hours later he comes staggering in the door. He ate dinner. Took a shower. Then told me that he was going to bed. Fine. This morning he woke up, took a shower and proceeded to leave to go to his cousins house. Not so much as an attempt at an apology. Nothing. When I said "well you could at least apologize for having absolutely NO regard for my feelings whatsoever instead of acting like everything is fine". he said "fine, Im sorry". yeah right. Anyway, I'm tired of it so I told him to leave. Not tomorrow, not later today...now. So he packed his things and left. I have no idea where he is going or where he will stay. I am sad but it's for the best. I don't know why he ever thought he could treat me the way that he has and better yet, I don't know why I ever let him. Bottom line is that he has now and will always chose alcohol over having a family. It's very sad and I really thought that he would change. Everyone says that he has to hit "rock bottom" before he will ever realize that the way he's living is wrong. He has changed alot since he moved in with us but it's still not enough for me... for my family. He thinks that it is but I just can't accept it. I cannot accept him staggering in the front door after spending God knows how much money at the bar. A couple of weekends ago he went there and spent almost his entire paycheck. Soooo... what do I need him for anyway if I have to be the only responsible one and take care of everything. I am so tired of being alone even when I'm not.
We have a very destruction relationship and I have no idea why I keep taking him back. It's like he has some kind of hold over me. I have never been dependent on anyone but it's almost like I am dependent on him. But for what? Certainly not for affection, money or happiness. I don't know. I don't get it. I see all of these things and everyone around me does too, but I don't do anything about it. I think it is finally over this time. He left quite a few things here because he has no where to put them but I made him give back his house key. I've never made him do that before.
I don't know... I just don't know why I still love him. I don't know why I ever accepted being treated like a lesser human being. I always demanded more than that. *sigh* I just don't know anything anymore.
I guess I'm done venting.
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(no subject) [Mar. 18th, 2005|07:03 am]
Happy St. Patricks Day!
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(no subject) [Mar. 16th, 2005|12:10 pm]
Well I went to work today. Yesterday when I went to the doc I did NOT get a "return to work release form". I meant to... but forgot it. Because of this the Human Resource manager made me have the docs office fax the form over before I could work today. Yeah right.. I was working while I was waiting for it. Anyway... I got that taken care of and then she comes back down and tells me that I probably shouldnt over do it today since its my first day back and that I should leave at lunch time. Cool! I mean, I have no idea why she is being so nice to me all of a sudden but whatever. I have NO problem with leaving early today. My eye is hurting and I'm glad to be at home.
Everyone has been so nice. I work with a great bunch of folks. I had several cards waiting for me not to mention the gorgeous flowers that they sent me last week. They rock.
I sent Amy a "Thanks a Million" bouquet. It's really cute... its filled with assorted things among them are several "million dollar" candy bars. I also sent her another thank you card to her home along with a gift card for O'Charleys (restaurant). I think that'll get the point across. Of course I'll be waiting patiently for the time to come when she needs something and I'll pounce! Then I'll feel like we're even.
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(no subject) [Mar. 15th, 2005|05:42 pm]
I hate people who are not who they say they are.

I had my first doctors appt today "post-op". He said that everything looks better than he had originally thought it would. Which is terrific. Bad news though is that even after the biopsy they cannot put a name to whatever keeps inflaming my eye. It is now being called the "inflamed matter". ooookay. That doesnt make me feel any better. I am going back to work tomorrow but I am told to take it easy. Yeah right. But Im looking SO forward to going back to work. I think that I would simply go mad sitting in this house every day with nothing to do.
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(no subject) [Mar. 14th, 2005|02:47 pm]
I need to do something for my friend Amy. She has picked my daughter up from school every day this week due to my surgery. She made us dinner more than once. She has called several times a day to make sure that I dont need anything. I have no idea how I could ever repay her kindness. Any ideas? I got her a thankyou card but that just doesnt seem to be enough. It's not just me either... she is one of those people who constantly gives. I would just like to *do* something for her but I dont know what.....
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(no subject) [Mar. 12th, 2005|10:16 am]
I want to get out of this house! I can't drive and if I go anywhere I'll have to wear that stupid patch over my eye but I don't care. This is day 4 of me being a prisoner in my own home. It sucks. I go back to the doc Monday and he'd better tell me that I can go back to work...or at the very least that I can DRIVE.
Well I think my sister is due here in a few minutes for her daily obligatory visit with her invalid sister. Must go tidy up
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(no subject) [Mar. 10th, 2005|12:20 pm]
I had my surgery on Monday. Everything went as it was supposed to. They re-attached the retina and removed the offending scar tissue. They are now analyzing that to determine what the root of my problem is. I hope like hell they can come up with something this time. This surgery=painfullllllll. First of all I was given strict instructions to not cough, sneeze, vomit...basically I am not to do anything that might in any way strain my eye. Well, from the tube being stuck down my throat for the length of the surgery I have a sore throat=cough and from the anesthesia (sp?) I vomitted all night Monday night. Ugh.. it was horrible. I thought I was dying. Tuesday I still didnt know my name and had to be back at the hospital for a follow up visit at 8 a.m. My sister had to practically dress me to get me down there. They say that everything looks as it should so thats good. i am feeling a little more like myself today. I managed to keep some food down this morning. Chelsea has been so good... she won't let me lift a finger. Robert has been the same. I have pretty much not had ANY time alone since my surgery which is becoming a little unnerving. Everyone is just trying to help though so its okay. Amy has been here pretty much all the time except when she is at work or school. She is such a good friend. And of course my sisters and brother have been here off and on. I think they got together and decided to make sure that I am not alone so that I cannot defy doctors orders. But I am alone now so HA. But there is nothing to do .... blah. I never thought I'd say this but I'll be glad when I can go back to work.
Speaking of which... my boss sent me lovely flowers and so did Amy. I guess I am loved.
Well its time for more eyedrops (I hate them!) so I'd better go.
**hugs to you all***
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(no subject) [Mar. 6th, 2005|10:24 am]
It's a beautiful day today. It's warm, the sun is shining. I'll be glad when Spring is here. Well I am officially off work until the 14th. I think that I will probably go stir crazy next week just being here not being able to do anything. I am going to follow doctors orders (to a point) but I still think I'll be able to do more than they think. Maybe I'll even go back to work by late next week?
Robert is mad because I won't cut his hair. That is not my profession and the last time I attempted to cut anyones hair I nipped their ear. Besides, if I screw up I will have to hear it for a long long long time and I do not wish to go there. Why doesn't he just GO get it cut? I have no idea.
My nephews little girl with Spinal Meningitis is feeling a little better. They have determined that it's not the worst kind, instead it is viral which can be treated easier. She will have to been in the hospital for atleast another week though. Poor little thing.
I am going to clean house from top to bottom this weekend, do all of the laundry and make sure there is plenty of food and whatnot here since I will for sure not be able to go anywhere next week. I'm sure by the end of this weekend I'll be completely exhausted and ready for a rest.
Well I must go and beat my teenager (not really) but she is supposed to be cleaning her room and I hear her on the phone grrrrrr.
***** hugs to all*****
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It's amazing [Mar. 1st, 2005|06:37 pm]
how well my ex-husband and I get along. I realized too little too late that I should never have divorced him. I came to this realization a long long time ago. I'm glad that Kory and I have maintained our friendship. We dated for 3 years and were married for 5. He was my best friend for all that time and I miss that. We talked for over an hour last night. It was nice. We still click. It's funny to look back now and think of the horrible terrible problems that we had that didnt really exist. Hindsight's 20/20. Ain't that the truth. He feels the same way. We never fought and always had fun together. Why then, did we get a divorce? In my infinite wisdom I thought that there was something better out there. Something that I was missing out on. My bad.
In other news, Robert left yesterday but called later crying. He had nowhere to go . I let him come back. I just *attempted* to talk to him about all of our issues and got no response. He is one of those people who don't talk. They just prefer to sweep everything under the rug. I am one of those people who want a resolution or I cannot rest. This is where I am now. I am not happy.
Surgery in 7 days. Scaredddddddd......

Yeah, I know... weird/random post.
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